Coming on week 2 here on my wine adventure and I'm very much homesick. This blog is a bit depressing, but I got to let everyone know how I feel here now. I've never left home like this before, on my own. Not enjoying it one bit. I LOVE home, I LOVE being around my family and friends, and I'm not tired of living in southern California (reasons why some people want to leave). Its true that I was excited about this adventure but didn't realize till now how long 6 months is going to be. I cant stand being away from my love ones for that long, I feel like I'm missing out on whats going on back home, alot can happen back at home over 6 months that I have no control over. I cry everyday.
I'm a routine kind of person, and I'm out of my routine here. Thought I'd be stronger then this. I have this feeling of a huge void in my heart. I hear people say that this kind of experience makes you realize "who you really are", well right now I feel weak, lost, shy, alone, out of place, pressured, scared, and homesick. Who am I? cause I sure DON'T feel my happy go lucky, outgoing, fun, lovable self out here! How am I going to meet new people if I don't feel like myself?
I keep asking myself what the heck I'm doing out here, why am I doing this, but my gut keeps telling me that I need to take on this opportunity. Bitting the bullet even if I feel shitty.Let's just say I pray A LOT! maybe this trip is God's way of getting closer to me? Maybe this is a test of me surrendering my life to God? Please don't let me fall because I've broke down a few times already. I am very much thankful for all the encouraging words I've received from my family and friends. I NEED IT!
I believe theres a reason behind everything, but I have to admit this is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done so far. I also hear the only way to grow is by stepping out of your comfort zone and I feel like I leaped. Its hard accepting that, but its definitely the truth. I'm realizing that money is not worth it being away from my love ones. I want to give up so bad sometimes, but I know I'd feel regret, disappointment. Opportunity like this doesn't come around all the time....I have to keep telling myself this, as well as repeating to myself, "The Lord is my strength and my shield" Psalm 28:7
I'm really hoping that when the "real" working starts it gets my mind off being alone, cause I sure do feel alone when I'm not focused. Don't know if I'm going to make it the full 6 months here, but at least try to be out here for a few months.
Please pray for me. Pray that I find strength, courage, focus, and change of heart. To realize that I have no control on what happens back at home, but all my love ones will be safe. That's the biggest thing that breaks my heart, not spending as much time as I can with my love ones, what if something happens? I just left and missed out on that precious time with them. Ugh! I feel MYSELF when I'm around my family and friends. Even you reading this blog. I can't seem to find myself out here in a strange new place. If I ever have to move in the future, it better be with someone or near someone I know.
I love you all and miss you all so much!!
God bless you and keep you safe, don't forget about me.
~Kristine
My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectations is from Him~ Psalm 62:5
